Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
