I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
