So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
