Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
