Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
