every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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