So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
