K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
