i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
