I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
cat food counts as protein by the way
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
