Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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