wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
