He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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