no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
