The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
