I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
