I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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