my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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