I just pynch a tree in the face
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
