I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
