a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
