I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
