Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
