If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i think my cat just said my name.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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