I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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