Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
