I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
