I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
