So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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