You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
