mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
