i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
