I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
