Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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