Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
