I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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