you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
