checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
