The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize