I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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