my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
