She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
