take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
