You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
