beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
