No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
