You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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