dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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