my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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