I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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