ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
