Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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