It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
